Rational and Irrational Z

I'm not going to explain why I have not been active in this blog for a demonically long time. So, on to the topic.

After a series of both foul and fantastic eye-opening experiences, I discovered something dyadic about my personality or cognitive status. There are two sides to Nik Zaid Hanis: a) the Rational Zaid, and b) the Irrational Zaid. Ironically, I have come to learn that me being rational is also me embracing the dark side, while being irrational is me clinging to Mr. Congeniality. Why is that?

Well, let's look at George Herbert Mead's theory on Symbolic Interactionism on the part of the "I" and "Me" (from my own understanding of his theory). According to Mead, the "Me" is the person's mirror image based on how others sees him or her; whereas the "I" is the person's reflection based on him/herself. So technically, "I" is my very own perception of myself, while "Me" is my perception of myself based on the collective assumptions of others. Pretty confusing, isn't it? Actually it isn't if your brain isn't so shallow (redundancy is somehow required to accommodate this).

All this time, I've actually been more Mr. Congeniality, subconsciously trying to fit into the norms of what others see me. For example, when I'm in a relationship, I'd forgo a significant part of me to be a person favorable to my significant other and less so to myself. Another example, I'd be very anxious to do some extra work in a group project so I will be significantly beneficial to the entire team. This in turn has somewhat curtailed or chained my inner essence to shine. In short, I have this need to make others happy at the expense of my own joy and perhaps, benefits. Having less benefits for myself to make others happy is actually destructive, and therefore irrational. Hence, Mr. Congeniality is Irrational Zaid.

The "I" within me has made an alarmingly large amount of advice and warnings that Irrational Zaid has ignored, resulting in much lost, such as self-confidence, self-esteem, and ambition (not enough to make me insane). The selfish side has been pushing me to be more practical than emotional on things. There have been literally straight questions like, "So what? Do you actually gain anything by giving in to that petty bullshit?" And the rationale for that question would be, "You can neither please anyone nor control their reactions. Whatever lost they suffer, it's theirs not yours." Of course, this is not really about me purposefully being a negative force or an obstacle to others like, defecating in my big brother's master bedroom, or drinking alcohol naked in front of my relatives (I think their reactions would be fun to watch). This is about doing things more for myself instead of others. I consider this my dark side mainly because Mr. Congeniality is still strong within but ultimately I think it sounds cool.

Ergo, I want my dark side to shine so I can truly embrace and engage in coital activity with my essence and potential. This will make me a tonne more productive for myself. Nonetheless, it needs to be controlled, which is why Mr. Congeniality is not going to be fired or disposed of but merely demoted. I'm not saying that Irrational Zaid will control the Rational Zaid, but to keep things in perspective before I go way out of hand. In this case, it's better that Irrational Zaid goes out of control than Rational Zaid, lest I end up being a narcissistic over-achieving cock-face.

We'll see what happens next.

I consider this both FRUIT and FECES.