The Serenade of the Damned and Rapturous

Alright, this story is a detailed description of my most recent dream. I thought it was hilarious and fun. I was one of the young Vampires. Please be advised that the passages contain descriptions that may be offensive or inappropriate (especially children). Readers read at your own discretion.


My name is Hades and today I stand victoriously upon the corpse of the most loathsome enemy our kind has ever fought. For too long he tortured our brothers and sisters without mercy. Look now upon his face, hapless, weak, and dumb. Before I tell you what happened today in this field, flooded with gaudy bodies, you must know of this foe.

His name was Jimmy. To his people, he was Jimmy the Flower. To us, he was Jimmy the Stink. He was a great leader to his people merely because of his lyrics on world peace and the purging of our kind. Every day he stood upon the wooden stage, played his penis-shaped guitar, and sang. When the night veiled the sky, he would bring out our captured brothers and sisters, and tortured them. No Vampire deserves to be wrapped with foul-smelling shawls and painted in rainbow colors! A good brother of mine was among his captives but he managed to escape. When he returned to us, our obsidian eyes eroded, for we saw flowers of pink and blue painted on his handsome face. Oh how he wept like a child, for he suffered so much from the presence of Teddy Bears and fluffy kittens that he desperately wished to greet the sun. It was then when I vowed to kill Jimmy the Stink.

We Vampires have been fighting the Hippies for centuries. They are a multitude of bodies that have no sense of progress. Their senses are bent only on the fragrance of the burning leaf and their so-called ecstatic music to which our ears can go deaf. For our brothers and sisters, slumbering near these rotting zombies is of great discomfort. As long as the Hippies exist, the Earth trembles with disgusting symphonies and mindless lyrics. We Vampires grew tired of listening to the nonsensical gibberish.

Ten hours ago, I led an army of three hundred warriors, fully clad in the most advanced armor we have created. We were impervious to the sunlight, and armed with pliers and blow torches. Our weapons had to be crude and painful for these mindless drones. However our brightly colored enemies were quite formidable.

Jimmy the Stink had an army of over ten thousand Hippies, armed with guitars, flutes and crossbows that fired perfume bolts. We were not intimidated by their numbers, for most of them were already disoriented like dying flies.

As the sun was falling behind the northwestern horizon, we fought relentlessly against the Hippies. I with my pliers and blow torch cut my path through the horde at ease, hoping to meet Jimmy the Stink. He was not too far, for I could smell the horrid stench of his spongy underarms. And there upon that rock he stood, naked as a jaybird. As I got closer to him, my eardrums quaked, and my nostrils scalded. He was singing John Lennon’s Imagine and his odor was nefariously horrendous. My mind was in pain but I did not falter. While my brothers and sisters fought, spilled paint, and burned petals, I roared to strike upon his wiggling penis, tattooed with bluish colors to look like a humming bird.

With one swing of my pliers, he fell rolling to the ground screaming, as the lyrics of Imagine evaporated into the air. I showed him no mercy. The blow torch became my euphoria when I burned his blue eyes. Consumed with joy I sang Frank Sinatra’s My Way. With his last breath, the remaining Hippies decided to flee at last. But we showed them no mercy. While I disfigured Jimmy the Stink, our soldiers pursued those fools. At the stroke of midnight, we had killed all ten thousand Hippies and their pathetic leader, Jimmy the Stink. We shall scatter the limbs and heads of these Hippies throughout the lands. We tasted not a single drop of their blood, however. It is brimming with diseases to which we Vampires are not immune.

Today is a new victory for the Vampires and there will be more, my young brothers and sisters. Soon all Hippies will be annihilated and the Vampires can roam free without the fear of being showered with petals, shrouded in rainbow shawls or poisoned with the smell of burned leaves. Now go and help your elders dismember these corpses but be cautious and keep your tongues behind your lips!

10/07/09